Several years ago I gave a testimony to my church about my past sexual sins. I just graduated from the School of Supernatural Ministries that I enrolled into earlier that year and had to give a short sermon to the church on a Sunday as part of the graduation ceremony. Although I had a month to prepare, I ended up procrastinating. I stayed up all night the night before the scheduled sermon trying to think up something to preach on, but instead of finding a story or verse in the Bible I somehow decided it would be a good idea to publicly talk about my sex life before I became an on-fire disciple of Christ.
So let me now tell you about my sex life before I gave my life to the Charismania side of Christianity… I honestly really didn’t have much of a sex life. My cognitive dissonance concerning sex left me with little experience and a lot of guilt about what little I had. I remember being on stage speaking while thinking in the back of my head that I may be exaggerating my past sexual sins and making it out to be a bigger problem than it really was. As I was speaking I began feeling like I was digging myself into a hole that I’d later regret when people start talking to me after I shared my testimony. But I continued to preach about how God forgave me for my sins and how I was healed from my sexual past. I got a standing ovation.
After my testimony I was surrounded by people in the congregation asking me for prayer over their sexual addictions. I laid hands and prayed that the Lord would do for them what He had done for me. Some even prayed for me that God would break any unhealthy lingering spiritual connection I had with any of the girls I had sex with in the past. One woman came up to me and told me about how she use to work in the porn industry and has since repented and started her own ministry for people with sex addiction. She wanted to get in touch with me so I can share my testimony with her ministry. I got her cell number but never called cause I didn’t want to bring myself into a bigger mess with my already exaggerated testimony.
The worst thing that came out of this was when a friend of mine was inspired by my testimony and confided to me that she had a secret lesbian relationship with another girl in the congregation a year earlier and she still had feelings for her. She was tortured by regret and her romantic feelings for this woman and wanted prayer that God would take away her “homosexual lust” for this woman. At the time I was still on the fence about homosexuality. I had a lot of gay friends and knew it wasn’t just lust and didn’t yet have a fully developed opinion on whether homosexuality is a sin or not. So I just prayed asking God to heal her from regret and to help her get over the relationship. She put a lot of trust in a person who bullshitted his testimony. I felt bad for not being completely honest.
There’s a lot of guilt over sex within the Christian culture. Christians are afraid of sex. There’s so much cognitive dissonance that it causes when you’re feeling a natural human desire but have grown up believing in the sinfulness of this nature and genuinely want to live a good Christian lifestyle. There are a lot of tortured Christians in the world lying to themselves and living a life of regret. The forgiving grace of God isn’t enough when they’re confronted with real natural sexual desire. Repressing sexual feelings and romantic emotions isn’t gonna stop it from emerging again. And when you lie to yourself you are also lying to others.
After my on-fire life for Jesus started fading my sexual desires emerged again. I’d pray for God to help me through it but it never went away. My lesbian friend still continues to struggle with her homosexual nature. I later told her that I don’t believe homosexuality is a sin and a couple years later I lost my faith in Christianity. We lost contact when she went on to do missionary work believing God has called her to live a single life married to Jesus. I wish she would accept herself and live in freedom without guilt and shame as a sexual being not trying to live above human nature.