Losing The Prophetic Call On Your Life After Deconversion

If you grew up in a Charismatic or Pentecostal church you may have had prophetic words spoken over your life.  These prophecies would usually be given to you by your church family or by a speaker at the church.  Nothing was more exciting than being called out in front of the congregation by a prophetic guest speaker and being told of the big plans God has for your life. Prophetic words usually encouraged you in your walk with God and gave you direction, because it lets you know God has a special plan in your life. I had lots of prophetic words spoken over my life.

Being a pastor’s son I always had people prophesying over me.  A lot of the words were basic and vague like “you will have a ministry,”  “you will be a missionary” or if they knew my dad was a pastor they’d give me a word about how I had the anointing of my father and I’d take up his mantle.  But there were some words spoken over my life that were very particular and seemed to be just for me.  The prophetic words that were more specific, had a common theme with other words given to me or resonated with my inner longings were the ones I paid most attention to.

Back in the mid-90s, a few years before launching The Call, Lou Engle laid hands on me and prayed.  I remember him saying in his gravelly voice something along the lines of “You are going to grow up to be a man of God” plus a couple other things about my future – probably something about Joel’s Army – I wish I could remember.  I was in junior high and this was my earliest memory of being prophesied over.  It was simple, but enough for me to think he said something important about my life.  Lou Engle speaks with authority and passion so whatever he says about what he see’s in your life you feel it may be coming from God; or at least that’s how I felt when I was 14 years old.  Passion and authority play a huge role in the power of giving and receiving prophetic words.

During my God Encounter phase I was getting prophesied over more than I think it’s even healthy for a Charismatic.  I have a lot of these prophetic words saved on cassette and CDR. The words that always seemed to be a common theme in my prophesies were that I’d be used in politics, write books and speak in universities using my intellect while performing miracles, signs and wonders.  That sounded exciting to me.  I wanted that to be my future and I started living as though that would be my future.  I was encouraged that these prophetic words were given to me by well known Charismatic leaders I don’t care to name drop right now.

For a few years I prayed, fasted and meditated on God’s word trying to live in the destiny I was called into.  I gave up friendships, job opportunities, interests and hobbies that I thought may be hindering my life away from my living fully in my destiny.  I remember feeling at times that my calling in life was on track.  Other times it was a struggle to see what God was doing in my life because things weren’t going as divinely as I imagined.  I still pressed on believing that God had this great plan in my life.  I felt secure in the fact that my life had meaning and I would live an extraordinary life.

Deconverting after believing in the things prophecied over my life wasn’t easy.  It was depressing.  I sometimes had panic attacks cause the reality would set in about the fact that I wasted a few years of my young adult life pursuing a destiny that was not promised.  Added to that anxiety was my coming into grips that there may not even be a god. I regretted the years spent in pursuit of my calling.  I wished I hadn’t dropped my old friendships, still played music and toured with my band.  I wished I would have stayed in college and pursued an actual degree, instead of using up my time at the School of Supernatural Ministries.  I felt like a fool and I was embarrassed of even looking back on the things I was beginning to not believe in.  I felt wasted.

Since then I have come to accept this part of my life story.  I still regret the things I have missed out on and the friendships I lost, but it no longer over takes me with guilt.  I have found new meaning in life; not from a god, not from a prophet, but in myself.

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15 thoughts on “Losing The Prophetic Call On Your Life After Deconversion

  1. Wow, amazing.
    Glad to know your life is not yet over. So since it was possible for you to deconvert after years of serving God, it’s also possible to reconvert after years of atheism. And the wonderful thing is that if you reconvert now you’ll be more suited for fulfilling those prophecies. So we’ll just wait and see, cause it’s never too late till you die.

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  2. Hi, thank you for following my blog. I have had a quick read of your most recent posts and it sounds like you’ve gone through an incredible and at times profoundly difficult journey. All the best for the times ahead.

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  3. Better late than never. Take what good you can out of the past, thoroughly grieve the rest, and move on happily.
    People ask why deconverts blog…why don’t we just move on. Because for so many of us this is a necessary grieving process, and a process of learning things we should have learned a long time ago, particularly how to cope with life without resorting to an imaginary friend.

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    • People ask why deconverts blog…why don’t we just move on. Because for so many of us this is a necessary grieving process, and a process of learning things we should have learned a long time ago, particularly how to cope with life without resorting to an imaginary friend.

      You almost made me cry saying this the way you did.

      It is *hard* to deconvert. It’s hard to adjust to a life of reality. It’s hard to realize that all of the promises people made to you were so much bullshit. It’s hard to face the fact that you wasted so many years (26 for me) working toward an eternity that doesn’t exist.

      When I consider what I subjected myself, my wife, my family too, I start to feel almost depressed. I need my blog and I need your blogs to cope, to come to terms, and to move on.

      Liked by 4 people

  4. I must admit, looking back on my christian life conjures up huge amounts of shame and embarrassment. I went to mass daily, prayed for hours a day, subscribed to all the catholic rituals…goodness, my life was taken over by region for 40 years. Add in the supernatural beliefs I wasted my time on (like my son being demon possessed, when he was in fact autistic), and it just kills me. My time could have been spent so much more constructively, especially when it came to my son.

    Those of us who were heavy on the supernatural end of things get especially mocked, as both christian and atheists seem happy to make fun of us. Yet is IS part of our life stories as you said, and I refuse to hang my head and be quiet. People have told me I’m brave for blogging about the details of these embarrassing things, but I know I’m not the only one who bought into them…countless others are snared as well. This is why I’ve become an anti-theist, which many hold as a very extreme position. It’s not extreme to me, considering the way religion took over my life. Other atheists will tell me my personal experience can’t be generalized, and therefore I should back-off in my anti-theist stance, but I will not. I am a real person, not a statistic, and I have a right to voice my thoughts. I just happen to have a lot of thoughts that people disagree with now. 😉

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  5. Very interesting post. Most Christians who have left the religion do find some sadness with that. I certainly struggled with the gradual realization that everyone I trusted had lied to me, either intentionally or unintentionally. Thanks for revealing how much harder it is for someone who is even more wrapped up in religion.

    I do recall quite vividly that when I was quite young, probably in my pre-teens, I wondered why I had these questions, when no one else did (which is a sad lie in of itself). I was quite convinced that I must be fated to be the Anti-Christ since I knew I’d be in my 30s when the century turned and was sure that the end times would be then. What a thought for a kid to have. Yeesh.

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  6. I’m not sure you should feel guilty for being a product of your environment. You were indoctrinated, indeed groomed towards a lifetime of religious involvement.

    You need only celebrate that you have reasoned your way out of that mess. I congratulate you. I salute you. You had to cross a lot of enemy territory and barbed wire.

    There are many blogs around the WP, this is my first time here but I see some here I am familiar with. You are in good company.

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  7. Can for sure relate. But my path without God was not freedom over time, was a prison. Grace is what set me free, not the examples of flawed religious people. Like you, I could talk about those in Christian circles that were hypocrits, self serving, but that is not even intellectually an argument, you would use for non religious beliefs. (My favorite rock band sold out, so I hate all rock music? Everyone around me must be perfect including our parents to validate who I am and God exists ?) Your gifts and calling seem very alive, evangelism, teaching, snd prophetic in exposing injustice even for your atheist crudade. You got my attention. I Pray your journey in time shows you Grace and mercy of a loving God, that was there all the time.

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  8. The grieving process that I have been experiencing is not based on the idea that I have been “lied” all these years. My interpretation is that I have been believing an illusion… a fantasy, simply because others have indoctrinated and convinced me of these illusions, since early childhood. I was not given the chance to think on my own, someone else thought for me. Now I am taking the bold step of thinking on my own, without the intimidation of possibly “burning in hell forever” because of my skepticism.

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